You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

The Stan With the Plan

So, here's a thing: Apparently, Kazakhstan has decided that they're finished with being a stan and want to change their name. According to the president of Kazakhstan, the suffix "stan" has gained a negative connotation over the years, because the neighboring countries of Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan are riddled with poverty and caked in mud, while Pakistan and Afghanistan are famously war-torn and may or may not harbor known terrorists. Kazakhstan is the most economically developed nation out of the seven stans, and they want to change.

THIS. IS. BULL. The Seven Stans have been my favorite group of countries for quite some time now. It's difficult to decide on a favorite, but I'd have to say Uzbekistan because of its quirky personality and the fact that they put a record twelve stars next to their Islamic crescent on their flag. Nearly everything these poverty-stricken nations have done together has been a truly seamless blend of many different styles of violence, chaos, and semi-rusted Soviet tanks. So in memory of the Stans, let's think back through their impressive discography.

Although many say that the definitive work of the Stans has to be the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, I personally find that the best moments of this great group came when individual Stans took the wheel and gave us their own #1 hits. The megalomaniac dictator Niyazov of Turkmenistan is truly one of the world's all-time best dictators, but unfortunately millions of people have yet to hear of this lesser-known human rights tragedy (despite pleas from thousands of Turks who urged the international community to really consider checking it out). Today, most people consider this to be one of the most underrated dictatorships in world history, but some still claim to "Not understand it" and never return to it again. Tasteless Americans.



I liked them before they went mainstream.

Then there's the ultimate Stan moment in my opinion, when the Stans first came together right as the Cold War ended-- a situation that immediately created Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan. Man, what a great group. There's Kazakhstan, the leader. Uzbekistan, the popular one. Turkmenistan, the cute one. Tajikistan, the quirky one. And Kyrgyzstan, the quiet one. Bringing in Pakistan and Afghanistan for a few sets really rounds out their atrocities, I think. But all this would not have happened if Russia hadn't stopped oppressing them and started letting them oppress themselves for a change.

I mourn the disillusion of this spectacular arrangement of extremely talented nations. Fortunately though, all is not lost. If Kazakhstan bows out, the other Stans will undoubtedly pick up the pieces only to blow them to smithereens once again. It's totally lame that Kazakhstan has now become "too cool" for them, but hell, I never liked Kazakhstan that much anyway. Maybe this will allow Kazakhstan to expand and grow as a nation, even releasing some solo works to build on what it accomplished with the other Stans. And the fab four that are left over have been hinting at possibly performing some smaller atrocities and genocides at unannounced locations in the region.

Bye!

Slip-Slidin' Away

Well, it's been an action-packed week, full of math tests, bad movie watching, and school projects that require gospel music singing (no joke). I haven't had much of a chance to blog thus far, seeing as my schedule has been packed and my brain was fried from watching Divergent, the worst movie of the year so far (click HERE to read my review of it), so let's look at a few updates from the news stories I've been covering recently:

• THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! And coming up on a very special CNN report: THE PLANE IS GONE!!! Tune in soon!
• Russia's seizure of Ukrainian military bases and equipment has now apparently expanded to tactical dolphins.
• Sadly, Fred Phelps did not come back to life as a zombie so we could kill him again for good measure.

Huh. Sounds like my week was far more interesting than the week in news. Unfortunately, not everyone has had a boring week, because in Oso, Washington, an entire hillside came away and completely crushed the small town. Mudslides are common in Washington state, but it's not every day that you see an entire square mile of land just sink down and bury a town Pompeii-style. At least we know that the disaster will probably be memorialized in a shitty Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Here's a pic:

Weird stuff has been going on recently, and I'm pretty sure that the Illuminati is to blame. There must have been one guy in Oso who was a threat to their plans, so they tried to eliminate him. Same with the Malaysian plane... good lord, it all fits together! There must be some massive conspiracy! Think about it: The numerology numbers for "Oso" is 15/19/15! Add the pairs of numbers together, and you get 6/10/6! Add those three numbers together, and you get 22! The number 15 appeared in the original numbers TWICE! 15 - 6 = 9! 9 + 2 = 11! 9/11!!! OH MY GOD!!! And that's not all-- 11 TIMES 2 is 22: THE NUMBER OF DAYS THAT THE MALAYSIAN FLIGHT HAS BEEN MISSING!!! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!!! AAAAAAGH!!!

Ah, well. Whenever I don't know what to say on a subject, I go all conspiracy theory. So, let's have the first moment of honesty and seriousness here at G-Force: To the families of the victims, my heart goes out to you. This terrible disaster is something nobody could have seen coming. And hopefully, the bastards in the Illuminati will pay for it. Phew. That was intense. No wonder I don't go all heartfelt more often. I nearly had a brain aneurysm.

Bye!

Crimea River

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. On Friday, I was sick, so I stayed home from school (THANK THE GODS!). Of course, I had the common cold, which is the disease I've been studying since early January for the Disease Project... oh, irony is a cruel mistress. Anyway, I'm back in top health and I'm ready to be unproductive and write blog posts instead of doing that Spanish video I probably should have gotten around to... ah, well.

Our top story today is, of course, the ever-escalating situation in the Crimean peninsula in Ukraine-- er... Russia. Vladimir Putin has officially begun the annexation of the territory by sending in troops to occupy Crimea's pizza places, casinos, and strip clubs. Ukraine has recently ordered a troop withdrawal as the Russians seize naval bases and key strategic areas. Meanwhile, the G8 officially booted Russia out from their club, leaving them as merely the G7. Of course, Putin doesn't care... because in Soviet Russia, the president assassinates YOU!

This is all the result of an election last week that showed that 105% of Crimean voters wanted to join Russia. Although these results are disputed by some, they seem pretty legitimate to me. I mean, it's not like Putin sent thousands of KGB agents into Crimea to stuff ballot boxes and execute anyone who stood in their way, right? That's silly. The big problem here is that this is all moving a lot too fast for the taste of President Obama, whose Red Line, Deadline, and Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top strategies have all proven ineffective thus far. Meanwhile, Putin continues to seize land and ride around shirtless with his gymnast girlfriend. Seriously... I couldn't make stuff like this up.

She'll annex Ukraine... after annexing your heart.

So the big question is whether or not Obama will have to back down and sacrifice a little dignity in order to avoid World War III, or even worse... World War Z (seriously, that movie was crap). So is this the conflict that will finally lead to the long-awaited and much-anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II? I say no. This is much too silly a dispute to lead to a global conflict of such a major scale. Recently in human history, we've been figuring out how to avoid massive wars through diplomacy and the fact that any country, even FRANCE, is capable of reducing the entire planet to a nuclear wasteland. If we do have a World War III... it's going to be because of a certain fat man-child dictator invading another country using nuclear bombs made out of twigs and boulders.

So rest easy. Bye!

New Crap III

Well, it's that time of year again... when I start screwing around with my blog's layout. Yes, yet again I have altered the title of my blog. This time, I included three characters from three respective stories I've been working on, Hysteria, California, and The Bloodstained Lion. From left to right, the characters are Lou Phoenix, Nate California, and Bloodstain Joe. I know... this makes literally no sense to those of you who stumbled across this blog randomly. Actually, it probably doesn't make any sense even to those of you who do, because I haven't told anyone about this shit. So here's the rundown of my new title, if you care.

Lou Phoenix is the main character in Hysteria, a black comedy about high school. He has a heart problem (you can see the heart monitor in his hand) and an increasingly bad life, but maintains his positive outlook on things. As you may have guessed, a lot of hilarious moments from Drake High School have made it into this story. Eventually, Lou starts a movement called Phoenix Rising to overthrow his school... but no spoilers.

Nate California is the main character in California (no shit). He's an Iraq war veteran who has the uncanny ability to switch off his moral compass at the snap of a finger, a skill he gained from witnessing the horrors of war, as well as a terrible experience in the desert that he refuses to talk about. After returning home, he uncovers a sinister plot in the government that no one, not even his most trusted friend Alex believes. The story is told from Alex's point of view after the fact, just to make it seem more like a fable than an actual event. Also, lots of boom booms happen.

Bloodstain Joe is the main character in the Galaxy Trilogy (The Bloodstained Lion, Infinite Empire, and Heart of the Sun), a sci-fi epic that I'm currently working on the screenplay for and trying my best not to accidentally steal anything from Star Wars with. And trust me... it's hard. I got around it by setting the story 2,000 years from now, so there are references to past events that we would understand, plus a soundtrack that includes Sympathy for the Devil and House of the Rising Sun. In the background of the title, you can see spaceship designs I was working on for the trilogy hovering over an alien world.

And in the interest of preserving history, here's the previous title (Nov 2012 - March 2014):



Aaaah... I've come so far. Looking back, drawings like these are as bad as it gets. No shading, no contours of the fabric on clothing, cartoony hair... what was I thinking? Of course, I'll probably be thinking this same thing when I take down the title I just put up, but hey, that's what happens.

As a side note, I was only able to do this new title because the past two days at school were taken up by the CAHSEE (CAlifornia High School Exit Exam), which is probably the easiest test I've ever taken in my entire life. Seriously... one of the questions was "Which of the following numbers is closest to zero: 2, 3, 4, or 5?" Really? Are you kidding me, people? If this is all I need to know to graduate high school, you should have graduated me in 7th grade. And no, I will not post the answers I got on here like I have in the past, because if you seriously need my help to answer questions like this... you have failed life.

Bye!

Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral"

Sometimes, you come across a group of people so monumentally retarded, you wonder how the lumps of half-baked potatoes functioning as their brains are actually capable of dragging them out of bed in the morning. I hate a lot of stuff (duh, I'm a blogger), but I reserve my all-out detestation only for people and things that infuriate me right to my core.

The Westboro Baptist Buttholes are one such thing. Never in my life did I think I would come across any human being stupid enough to picket military funerals with signs that read "Thank God For Dead Soldiers," but hey, if you can imagine it, someone out there believes it. Anyway, these religious flamers have been disrupting people's funerals for several years now, much to the public's dismay and the media's glee, so that just makes the current situation all the more hilariously ironic.

Fred Phelps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church itself, is currently in the process of doing probably the one good deed he has ever accomplished in his miserable existence: He is dying. And for this... he will have my eternal gratitude. But the good people of the WBC are now all butthurt over people mocking this turn of events, saying that their dying leader should be treated with respect. HAHAHA! I was more sympathetic when Osama bin Laden died! You retards set up a church with a website called "GodHatesFags.com," and you expect us to have the slightest bit of respect for your bigoted, racist, and blatantly homophobic leader, who is now dying what I hope is the most painful death in the history of the world? I laugh derisively at your hypocrisy!



However, even when my spirits are at their lowest... there's always that one guy who restores my faith in humanity. Good on you, random guy holding a sign. You've made my 100 Best Internet People list.

Just to make things all the more hilarious, Phelps was excommunicated from the church that HE STARTED because he was advocating a more "gentle" approach to the church's message. Can you imagine what the hell happened there? If your organization doesn't let FRED PHELPS in because he's "not crazy enough," then you seriously need to rethink your mission statement. Also, what exactly did he say to get booted out? "Hey guys, I think we should really team up with the Muslims to eliminate the gays, because we really need to focus on the big picture here." "Teaming up with the Muslims? HERESY! Burn, heretic!"

Anyway, the point is that he's dying and I'm happy. Really, I shouldn't be happy about other people's misfortune, but at the same time, he was a cancerous detriment to America that degraded humanity's overall worth. It's messed up to say that someone deserves to die... but really, if anyone deserves to die, it's this asshole. And for those of you wondering... yes, I believe I will have a few choice words to say at his funeral.

Bye!

Plane Wrong

Well, let's try to keep this blog going. There's a lot of news stories I have to catch up on from my long-ass hiatus from blogging, but the most pressing is clearly my school debates. This past week, my school had a series of debates for our Disease Project. The concept is that each group of three or four people is assigned a disease, and then debates against other groups about which disease should get an imaginary half a billion dollars in funding. As you can imagine, this usually leads to the worst diseases winning the debates. My disease? A little thing called the common cold.

Anyway, long story short, I paved a path of wreckage and destruction through the debates, beating influenza (lol it's the same as the cold), Polio, AIDS, and Cystic Fibrosis... only to lose to f*cking Sickle Cell Anemia in the final round. Still though... the common cold over AIDS? Damn. During the debates, you can stand up and yell "POINT OF INFORMATION!" to interrupt the speaker, so here's a few of my favorite points to counter what the speaker was saying.

• "If that's your data, then I question your research skills."
• "Contrary to what you just stated, Africa is NOT a country."
• "Your logic is inherently flawed."
• "I don't know... FDR got along fine, and he had Polio."

It was fun on a bun. Unfortunately, I've made some enemies now, because some people don't like being yelled at in front of the class. Ah, well. Them's the breaks.

Anyway, time for some legitimate news stories... namely, an entire plane full of people has gone missing somewhere in southeast Asia, and nobody has the slightest clue as to where it possibly went. Malaysia Airlines, the company that owns the plane, went from saying "It's probably terrorists" to "It's probably a systems malfunction" to "Aliens. Definitely aliens" to "Ehhh, f*ck it." So as you can probably guess, the families of the passengers aren't too pleased.

Only a few things are possible here. First we thought a terrorist group might have hijacked the plane, but usually terrorist organizations take responsibility for things like this because... you know... they're terrorists. They cause terror. Then we thought it might have been a malfunction, but apparently the GPS and radar systems on the plane were turned off manually. Now there are all sorts of conspiracy theories shooting around, ranging from the plane landing on the water and being towed by a boat to some remote location to the plane meeting up with another plane in midair, flying tandem to avoid sonar detection, and landing in some undisclosed location. Who knows? Personally, my theory is that the plane was equipped with some kind of new warp drive that tore a hole in the space-time continuum and sucked it into an alternate universe.

    << The most plausible theory yet.

Or maybe the plane's engine came off, traveled through a wormhole, and landed in the suburban home of Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe some kid predicted that the plane would explode moments before takeoff. Or maybe I should stop making vague references to obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Just a thought.

I think it's clear that Malaysia Airlines needs to extend their search to encompass the entire solar system (and maybe all of space-time as well while they're at it), but really there are way too many possibilities to cover here. What if the plane traveled back in time to cause 9/11? What if it was sucked into wherever all the missing socks end up? Or has it gone into the mystical realm where King Tut's penis ended up? Don't worry... I won't bring THAT tired old series back. But I will say this: If aliens did abduct that plane and the History Channel guy was right all along... I have to rethink my life.

Bye!

Pain & Gain in the Ukraine

Okay... it's been a while. See, whenever I give up on a website, I tend to give up on it slowly, and I have several relapses before I fully call it quits. I'm not quite ready to give up on this blog yet, because frankly, it's possibly the most awesome thing ever written in the history of ever. But at the same time, I didn't want to start posting here again just to once again stop suddenly, so I'll see if I can adhere to a strict blogging regimen. We'll see how that turns out. And hey, if you're bummed that I might stop posting here...

1) I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES THAT MUCH!!!
2) It's my blog, and in the words of Eric Cartman, "I DO WAT AH WAN!" Anyway, if you want to see what epic writing I've been undertaking in my absence, click HERE.

In the time I've been gone, a lot of important things have happened in the world... so let's see if we can't get a breakdown of whether the world has gotten better or worse since then.

• Nelson Mandela died. -5.
• "Twerking" became a thing. -5.
• The affordable care act was relaunched, and now I don't get to make fun of it. -10.
• Some idiots thought it was a good idea to debate about whether or not Santa was white. -25.
• A bunch of neanderthals in the NFL smacked each other around and did neanderthal things. -20.
• The Russian Olympics went well, and now I don't get to make fun of them. -10.
• Bridgegate. -5.
• The NSA continues to spy on Americans. -20.
• JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT BE DEPORTED!!! +10,000,000!!!

Well, it looks like it averaged out to be a pretty good few months! Awesome! Okay, not really, because we've found ourselves in the midst of a bit of an international shitstorm this past few weeks with the ever-deteriorating situation in Ukraine.

  

So in Vladimir Putin's latest land-grabbing power-hungry shirtless bear-riding escapade, he has decided to swipe Crimea, that weird little lump of land sticking off the bottom of Ukraine in the picture, for Russia. Now honestly, I don't know why they want it. It's lame and stupid and shaped like a chicken mcnugget. But as always, after having the world tell us to stay out of world affairs for a few months, everyone's now asking us to intervene. Well, for God's sake, people. Go for a few months without some 'Murika and see how you fare. 

Anyway, Ukraine has threatened to cut off the gas lines from Russia that run through their country, but all of their threats have merely reflected off of Vladimir Putin's exposed nipples. Meanwhile, Putin has threatened to go all Joseph Stalin on them. Neither side seems to be giving any ground, so it's time for Obama to come in with a compromise that will make everyone equally disappointed! Yay! Seriously though, this is a very unstable situation that could devolve quickly into a bloody territory war... so I'm going to cover it extensively and sarcastically.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode III: Drone.com

My school is just incredibly surreal. It's pretty bad. Literally, every day I get out of bed now and say to myself "Okay, there's no way life could get any weirder." And then I go to school... and somehow it does. I have had to put up with a militant PE teacher who insists on calling frisbees 'discs' and has an 'integrity fetish', a mentally challenged poetry 'consultant' who spent a whole class showing us unbelievably horrible videos like THIS one, a math teacher who sends people to the office for asking questions, and a science teacher with absolutely no social skills whatsoever. Not to mention the students, who have had long conversations about dead babies, personalized bongs, murder, insanity, and some of the most perverse shit known to man. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this before I lose my mind. Thank God for winter break... but first I have to put up with finals.

The good news is, my maps went over well at school. And that's a good thing, because if they hadn't, I would have set the field on fire. They took me 18 hours, and by the end I was seeing cross-eyed and had a splitting headache. I literally had an out-of-body experience where I watched the entire room dissolve into dust, then spin down a whirlpool. I think I need to get some sleep.

But sadly I can't sleep well tonight, because Amazon.com has just announced a program for package delivery via drone. So I'm a little afraid that my recent order of five DVDs could get mixed up, and result in me being firebombed in my sleep. But this could actually be a really positive development: Obama can now trade Amazon some drones in exchange for a working website! OOOH! PRESIDENTIAL BUUUUURN!!!



Oh, he's got such a good sense of humor about these things.

This is just another example of how modern technology is passing the postal service by. I mean, Amazon has drones, and the USPS has only just now started delivering packages via catapult. Ridiculous. But honestly, does this not seem a little suspiciously reminiscent of The Terminator? I mean, who's to say that SkyNet won't take these drones over when it gains sentience, and use them as kamikaze fighters that blow up your house? I mean, they already know where you live...

Isn't technology awful? It's just... separating us... and all interpersonal relationships will soon be gone. It's so sad OH MY GOD I'M SOUNDING LIKE MY ENGLISH TEACHER. Shit! I need to go home and rethink my life...

Bye!

Don We Now Our Alternative Lifestyle Apparel

Good evening, everybody! Well, my blogging schedule has been disrupted by schoolwork yet again, and this time it's because of three hand-drawn maps for History, a 10-page essay, a math test, and a poem I have to memorize... not to mention that finals is next week. I'd slit my wrists, but I'm afraid I'd get blood all over these beautiful maps I've drawn. I'll upload pictures of them sometime, but let's just say that I had fun. I enjoy drawing maps, and it helps that this project is on a subject I actually care about: Film. So it's not as bad as it could be. For instance, I could be writing about Algebra...

Anyway, it's CHRISTMASTIME!!! So get ready for a lot of butthurt Catholics to scream bloody f**king murder about a fictional war on Christmas. Also, avoid malls for the next month unless you enjoy getting stuck in gridlock traffic and being trampled to death by angry shoppers, all while listening to the most obnoxious music known to man. I try to avoid other people during this time of year, especially psychotic religious fanatics who think that you're a communist if you don't have a Christmas tree. But also because of shit like this:

You may have noticed the conspicuous lack of a certain word here. Apparently, Hallmark (the company that made this atrocity) didn't think the word "gay" applied in this context, as gays usually have good taste in clothes, and wouldn't be caught dead in this genocide of a sweater. At least, I wish the explanation was that simple. Actually, Hallmark didn't think that anyone would want to walk around with the word GAY plastered across their chest. But they made one fatal mistake: They thought that people would actually buy a sweater this ugly, regardless of the shit written on it. And this brings me to yet another reason why I hate Christmas: Bad sweaters.

But really, the whole logic behind this decision is flawed. When you see this sweater, you notice that it doesn't have the word "gay" on it, and that puts the word in your head. That's the WHOLE POINT of saying a word: Putting it in someone's head. So even if it doesn't say "gay," it implies it. And to the gays who are pissed off about this: Who cares? Do you really want to be associated, even incorrectly, with something this disgusting? Jesus Christ, what kind of a sick maniac would BUY something like that? Aaaaaargh...

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, this is a perfect argument for a national fashion police: To hunt down people who wear these things, tranquilize them, and remove them from the larger population. Same thing goes for guys who wear polo shirts. And ironic glasses. And skinny jeans. And fedoras. And "Save the Rainforests" t-shirts... actually, I'll make this simple: HIPSTERS MUST DIE.

Bye!

Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Futbol Americano

So here's a thing-- My high school, Drake High, is about three blocks away from a semi-high-end strip mall called Red Hill, and during lunch, students walk over there to buy food (because let's face it, cafeteria food is toxic). But apparently, this is a problem, as you can see from THIS actual news report. For those of you who don't feel like following that link because it's a waste of your time-- and trust me, it is-- it's a story that some asshat over at Kron-4 did about students jaywalking on the way back from lunch. There are so, so, SO many things wrong with this... where to begin?

Firstly, nobody at my school calls Drake "The Drake." Strike one. Secondly, he brings up the 'fact' that dyslexic drivers might misread the speed limit signs as 52 instead of 25. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! Why would they be driving if that were the case? Why is that remotely relevant to the subject at hand? Is he just TRYING to make the situation seem more dangerous than it actually is, all for the purpose of maligning teenagers? Undoubtedly. Strike two. And thirdly-- Why did he have to get the five biggest assholes from my school on video? I mean, seriously... a lot of the people in that video are dumbasses... but I don't think any of them are dumb enough to "Play chicken with 4-ton cars" as the video asserts. Not like he has any of that on tape to prove it... sure, why not just make shit up? I could do that! Hell, Kron-4, hire me to do your lame-ass segments! I could be a bitchy, whiny tattletale like this guy as well, and I could report on things that ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VALUE IN THE WORLD!

The amazing thing is, this moron and pretty much every living human on Earth has jaywalked at least once in their lives, and it's not a big thing. Nobody dashes across the street while cars are coming-- the point of jaywalking is to take the advantage of a gap in the traffic and cross when nobody's around. Except, apparently, some asshole with a video camera and a grade-school education. At least, I HOPE he only has a grade-school education... if he had gone to high school or college, he could have gotten a job that actually contributes something to humanity. Like flipping burgers at a McDonald's.

Anyway, this is just one out of many, many things that have been pissing me off to no end recently, the least of which is another in a long line of NFL incidents. So let's continue my long-running segment...



Yeah, football is being retarded again. WHAT A SHOCK! Miami Dolphins linebackquarterbacker (who gives a f**k about the terminology) was suspended recently after he incessantly led the locker room torment of a fellow player. That player complained, and all hell has broken loose now, with football junkies complaining about how the player should have manned up and dealt with it. So, my opinion on this? Well, I'm just going to assume that you all see this coming...

BAN FOOTBALL. Seriously, how is this shit still legal? I couldn't care less about the players, because it's their own God damn fault for getting involved in this moronic 'sport,' but I do have a problem with how it dumbs down all of America. I mean, sure, bash your heads in, but don't make everyone else dumber in the process. The fact that people exist who think that there was some kind of problem with what the player did, and that Incognito was fully justified, makes me sick to my stomach. This sport is a f**king cancerous tumor in America.

Phew... I really needed to vent my anger on that one. But yeah, this retarded masculinity contest pretty much serves the public in the same way the gladiators of ancient Rome did: Distracting the public from the things that ACTUALLY MATTER. I am sick to death of people shooting each other in parking lots, flinging beers at each other, and trashing entire cities over whose group of meatheaded sacks of shit is better than the other. Jesus Christ. It's fine if you watch this crap casually (or as a way to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders), but if you only like this as a way to live your demented fantasies about masculinity vicariously, please do us all a favor and seek professional help.

Bye!

Not Another Hurricane

My blogging routine has been somewhat sparse as of late, but I have a valid excuse-- my school is absolutely hectic. There's a new project every week, and I can barely begin to keep up. And it doesn't help that my group members, although funny, are often absolutely incapable of buckling down and working. In my new group, one guy spent a whole 90-minute period drawing penises on Microsoft Paint while I built our whole website. And in the last project we did (a report on a country that was chosen for us at random), it was no better. We had to keep a journal that was written from first-person, and described what daily life would be like in our country (Afghanistan), written from the point of view of a Kabul native. Here's a few choice selections from my group member's journal entries. Now, bear in mind: These were written very crudely, so any translation errors are not my fault. But I think I've pretty much conveyed the message (if any) behind them. Take a look:

• "There is to many suicide bomers in afghanistan we need to cleanse the entire country of these horrid taliban theyh ave to stop attakking us and let us build a better country for the people so we can finally have peace in tuis country and stop being the playground of war"
• "This is very good in my eyes the more womans rights the better and more womens rights expand the closer we are coming to becoming a country of peace"
• "this is ecxiting to me we are going to get the things we need for football i feel this is empowering as to say there football leader was proud to be in afghanistan in my country im going to go play right now"

Great stuff. Powerful and emotional. And before you say "Hey, this is mean, he may have a mental disability," three things: Firstly, although he is absolutely insane, he is no vegetable. Secondly, I didn't mention his name. And thirdly, he told me to put these on my blog (which he reads). So I'd like to take this chance to give a big shout-out to my former group member, just in case he reads this! Sir! You are the philosopher king! So many questions remain unanswered, o wise one! Such as... why did you not capitalize Afghanistan? What is the meaning of the word "ecxiting?" Why is there no punctuation at the end of your sentences to signify the conclusion of a phrase? Oh, I'm sure that scholars will debate this for ages!

Wow, this went on way too long. But I really needed to vent about this... and it's also pretty hilarious. Seriously, I could eat a bucket of Scrabble tiles and crap out a sentence more coherent than these. 

But in other news, there's a hurricane that just hit the Philippines (it took me way too long to figure out how to spell that correctly), and here's a big news flash for everyone: THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES ARE REALLY, REALLY SHITTY! So my class is having a drive to raise $2,000 to help the people there, and unlike most things my school sponsors, I actually think I might contribute to this. So I'm going to pitch in fifty bucks, partly because I'd feel guilty not doing it when I just got approximately one buttload of money for my birthday, and also because... y'know... it might save someone's f**king life.

   << Also, this.

Interestingly enough, the only country in the world that isn't represented at least occasionally in Miss World pageants is Vatican City (which, thinking back, I should have guessed). But amazingly, there's been Miss Iran, Miss Uzbekistan, and even Miss North Korea. Anyway, now that I've guaranteed a lot of traffic for my blog, I'll leave this story behind. But people-- send some money to The Philippines (this time it only took me three tries to spell correctly!). And don't send it through some anonymous, faceless donor that will probably pocket a lot of that cash for personal gain... like Vertco. 

Oh, and as a follow-up to last post's story-- Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been declared "Mayor in Name Only" by the council of The Illuminati Toronto. So no, crime doesn't even pay in Canada, proving once again that moving to Canada is a bad idea. But before this blog post turns into the 1,001 reasons why I will never move to Canada (I don't know if I could fit them all into that few), I shall sign off. 

Bye!

Oot and Aboot

Oh hai readers! My 16th birthday was last week, and I'm happy as hell. Not because I had a party (I didn't, parties are lame), and not because of presents-- no-- I CAN NOW PROBABLY GET INTO R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT PARENTS! Joy to the world! And it helps that I'm 6'3". Speaking of movies, by the way, Tut's Tutillating Reviews is coming along swimmingly, and I have a truckload of new reviews out, including a Halloween special: HORROR WEEK. My Ender's Game review is also up, so check all that out HERE.

Anyway, for my birthday my parents gave me A Clockwork Orange and Donnie Darko on DVD, which I shall now proceed to watch multiple times. Also received: A chunk of the Berlin Wall, a coffee mug, and a book entitled "The Disaster Artist," the story behind the making of the worst movie of all time: The Room. If you haven't seen this spectacular film yet, I highly recommend it. It is utterly mesmerizing in its ineptitude. If I judged movies purely on how much I enjoy watching them, that thing might be my favorite movie of all time.

But I made Tut's Reviews just so I could separate my incessant movie-related banter from this blog, so let's move on to something that will send my readership into free-fall: CURRENT EVENTS. Cower in fear, Americans, because this is a news story that will require you to know some geography! Now: With your dominant hand, point to the US on a map. No, higher. No, still higher. Okay, lower. Really, are you f**king kidding me? It's the one with the oddly shaped peninsula. The yellow one. Okay. Now, point to Canada. Jesus Christ, that's Russia. Point to the big red one. The BIG red one. Not India. ABOVE AMERICA. Kill me now...



Eh, you found them! Yes, foolish Americans, that's Canada. And that's where my top story takes place today: In Toronto (AKA America's ridiculous poofy hat), mayor Rob Ford has come under fire for smoking crack. Yeah, you heard right-- SMOKING CRACK. So it's time to unveil the official 2014 slogan for American politicians! "We tweet pictures of our junk, bang secretaries, fly to Buenos Aires to meet our mistresses, get our housemaids pregnant, and use taxpayer money to fund money-laundering schemes... but at least we don't smoke crack!"

The hilarious thing is that the guy hasn't even been charged with a criminal offense yet. You gotta love Canada. Also, there's a tape of him saying, slurred "I'm gonna f**king kill that guy... it's me or him brother" over and over again. All he had to say when asked about it was that he was "Clearly very, very, very intoxicated." Yeah, you don't say. Somebody's been hitting the ol' maple syrup too hard...

Bye!

Affordable Brain Aneurysm

Well, I've done another weird thing for school... I had to draw an Immune System Diagram for my biology class, and it had to be accurate and scientific. However, we were allowed to use anything we wanted as icons to represent the cells, viruses, antibodies, etc. So I decided to create a diagram in the spirit of Caging. Caging, for those of you who aren't up to date on your memes, is the practice of photoshopping Nicolas Cage's face onto random things. If you're confused about why this is hilarious, click HERE. Anyway, I drew Nic Cage's immune system, with little Nic Cage faces (which I drew myself) drawn to represent the cells. The Macrophage became the Macrocage, and the viruses became bees. If THAT confuses you, two things: Watch The Wicker Man, and click HERE.

But as funny as Nicolas Cage's face on random shit is, I can't devote an entire blog post to it. Which is why, to celebrate the Democrat's incredible victory on the debt ceiling battle, I decided to sign up for Obamacare online. As you may know, the website that people are supposed to use to sign up for the Affordable Care Act has been beleaguered by criticism ever since it was opened a few weeks ago. The server goes down occasionally, the connection is weak, the process is convoluted, and even the calculator doesn't work. Really? You'd think that they could have gotten that right. Because, you know... they're friggin' everywhere.

Anyway, I signed up for Obamacare yesterday, but I don't fully remember what happened. Fortunately, I had a video camera and audio feed recording everything that happened, which I then rewatched and wrote a running commentary on. The pros? I got in. The cons? Well... here we go...



00:05-- Within five minutes, I turn on the computer, make a cup of coffee, crack my knuckles, and get ready to fill out some forms.
00:09-- After a few Google searches, I finally locate the website. Huh. You'd think that would be a little easier...
00:10-- Click on website.
1:17-- Website loads.
1:20-- One hour in, and this website is beginning to test my resolve.
1:27-- After stabbing my computer screen repeatedly with a kitchen knife, I click on the right link. This immediately downloads 5,000 gigabytes of malware and viruses onto my hard drive.
1:42-- Wipe cookies. Note: This is not the last time I will have to do this.
2:04-- Smash coffee cup out of pure anger and desperation.
2:35-- Click the correct link (finally). I am greeted with a form in English, which for some reason goes into Spanish and then French. What the hell? You have to be trilingual just to read the directions.
2:52-- "Glitch" in the system lists my cat as my father-in-law.
3:09-- Cookie wipe #2.
3:18-- The accursed spinning beach ball of death.
3:20-- System requires immediate payment of  "1 (one) arm and 1 (one) leg, to be mailed to your local government office accordingly and filed."
3:25 to 3:48-- In the garage with the ol' hacksaw.
3:51-- A quick re-read of the form makes me realize that the website asks for your NON-dominant arm. Shit.
4:00-- Bleeding out. Healthcare is, sadly, not helping me much here.
4:20-- Blaze it.
4:32-- Cookie wipe #3.
4:45 to 4:57-- Mostly screaming, accompanied by fits of unbridled rage. The keyboard gets thrown out the window.
5:12-- System finally makes my account. Oh, joyous day.
5:13-- System unfortunately listed my first name as "Ghram." Never mind; pressing on.
5:24-- After spinning my head around Exorcist-style for eleven minutes, I projectile vomit all over the room.
5:40-- System creates health care plan for me, at long last. It will cost $613 a month, up $613 from my previous health care plan, "Do whatever the hell you want and go to the ER if you get sick."
5:52-- My laptop, already under extreme duress, catches on fire.
6:02-- Pass out.

The moral of the story? Yes, it IS possible to sign up for Obamacare! It's just really, really, really, REALLY time-consuming, painful, and mentally scarring. Anyway, I'm going to bed to rest my tired limb. 'Night!

B.S.A.T.

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to start. First, I had to take four hours out of my Saturday morning to get up at 6:00, walk over to my school, and take a Pre-SAT test--- AND IT WAS VOLUNTARY. Seriously, I don't know why I said I would take this, but I did, and I paid the price for it. Fortunately, it was incredibly easy, and it doesn't matter on my grade, as it's a voluntary test. And most of that four-hour period was spent bubbling in answers for shit like "What is your home address," which apparently they couldn't have me just WRITE OUT, so they had me bubble in 17 letters for it. What really grates me is when they ask for your student ID card. What do they think is going on? Are people sneaking in off the street to take a test? OH SHIT, SON. I bet that's an epidemic. Once again, school, you have wasted my time and accomplished nothing in the process. Good job.

Then I had my yearly classic Halloween sleepover at my friend Benny's house, and (as always) there were a lot of epic moments, involving parkour tag, a gallon of milk, six bags of Doritos, a bagel, a hedgehog with a hat on it, a "Slow children playing" sign, and a game called Cards Against Humanity. It's a long, long, LOOOOOOOONG story and I don't want to get into it. All I can say is... I'm scarred for life, both mentally and physically. In other words, it was a success. 8/10, a seriously underrated party in my opinion.

But here's an interesting turn of events: Remember the couple who crashed the a party at the White House a few years ago? Well, since then, the woman has divorced her husband and gone off to marry Neal Schon, the lead guitarist for Journey. Why do I care, you ask? Well, Neal Schon lives just up the street from me on a hill-- in fact, not to sound like Sarah Palin, but I can practically see his house from my backyard. He drives around in his Lamborghini and it's awesome. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, he's going to marry that party-crasher in December, so my mom (being the liberal she is) wants to crash the wedding in order to give her a taste of her own medicine.



Yeah, I figured you guys would like that idea. Anyway, things are heatin' up over here in Marin County. I really hope that my parents have the guts to go through with this one, because if we crash this party, it'll be awesome. Free food as far as the eye can see, plus Journey performing? Awesome! I'll get to throw food at them, just like I've always wanted to after having to listen to "Don't Stop Believing" for the 9,001st time! Seriously, WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE BASEBALL TEAM USE THAT AS THEIR ANTHEM? JESUS!

If we do this, it will live forever as an epic and unforgettable moment in my life. Because you might be able to attend parties throughout your life, but it's not every day that you attend one in which security throws your dad out for trying to touch Neal Schon's guitar. Anyway, if there's anyone else out there who is a raging Democrat and wants to make this woman butthurt, our lines are open! My mom wants as many people crashing this thing as possible, and I highly doubt that nobody else out there has come up with this idea yet. So drop in on the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on December 15th! Eat as much food as you possibly can before getting thrown out, thus running up the bill and pissing this obnoxious rich songwriter and his dumb soon-to-be-wife off.

See you there!

Ceiling the Deal

After a lot of work, I have finally made my epic movie review website about as good as I can get it. However, a few things before you visit it: Firstly, all of the reviews are written under the persona of Diego Tutweiller, a vindictive asshole who takes pride in calling movies the "Anus of Cinema" and handing out ridiculously low ratings such as negative zero out of ten stars. That's right-- I INVENTED A NUMBER. And secondarily, I also used the site to upload fake movie posters for a film I had an idea for, so that's what the odd latest post is all about. So if you want to see the website, click HERE.

Besides making a new website, there's not much going on. Let me just check Google news... OH SHIT, SON. The government's back! And I didn't even notice! Apparently, the Republicans allowed the debt ceiling to be raised for the next three months. However, we may have to revisit this tired old debate in February, when the new debt ceiling expires and Democrats start needing to borrow more money for their crippling addiction to welfare.



On the left, we have a perfectly normal, healthy person. But on the right, we have the same woman, six months after becoming addicted to welfare. Welfare. NOT EVEN ONCE. (This ad paid for by the Republican Party).

Anyway, the debt ceiling is raised, people have compromised, and in short, nobody's happy. In fact, one woman went so far as to drive her Infiniti through the barricades around monuments in DC last week, leading police on an hour-long chase through the streets and wreaking havoc. Meanwhile, I was a little miffed because my mail wasn't delivered until 6:00 last night. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with stress.
Skinny skinny
But I really can't get very worked up over any of what just happened, because at the end of the day, both sides are incredibly obnoxious and stupid (perhaps the Republicans a little more so). I honestly couldn't care less about which side came out 'on top' or which one ended up 'losing' this little turf war. Most people agree with me-- in a recent poll, FOX found that congress's approval rating is lower than Nickleback's. Now THAT is some public backlash.

Bye!

SHUTDOWN 2013

One of the biggest news stories I missed during my two-month hiatus was the government shitdown-- er-- shutdown. I have been predicting something to this effect for years, however I was slightly off. In my initial projections, an asteroid would head for Earth, threatening to destroy humanity. Congress would OK a bill to use all of our natural resources to destroy the asteroid, but Republicans in the House would hold out to attach riders to the bill slashing the EPA and Obamacare. Democrats, of course, would refuse, and the Earth would subsequently be destroyed.

Fortunately, we're not faced with such a cataclysmic event, but instead we're sitting around with basically no government. It's day twelve of the shutdown, and there is chaos in the streets. Of course, I'm not seeing any of that here in San Anselmo. If there are riots around here, us Marinites raise the drawbridges and fill the moats with piranhas. We then allow the rest of the world to continue on falling into anarchy while we sit back and enjoy our spas, nail salons, and scented candle stores. God, no wonder the rest of the country hates us.

Meanwhile, President Barack Hussein Achmed Abu-Mohammed Bin Achmed Obama is doing his best to get the House and Congress to agree on something... anything... but it's harder than it looks. Which is saying something, because from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty damn hard. In short, none of the Tea Party Republicans will raise the debt ceiling, because they want to defund Obamacare. Obama needs to save face, so he refuses to give in YET AGAIN. This is what happens... when an unstoppable force meets... an immovable object...



Oh, I'm sure you all have missed my scathing political commentary.

Anyway, while Obama and Boehner battle it out in DC, the rest of us are stuck in a state of total shock. The National Parks Service has shut down all of the parks. Federal government employees aren't getting paid. The infrastructure is collapsing! THE UNIVERSE IS TEARING ITSELF APART AT THE SEAMS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Actually, no. None of that is happening. In fact, I haven't noticed anything different in my life since the government shut down. We're nearly two weeks into it, and there hasn't been a single riot, mugging, shooting, arson, robbery, blitzkrieg, genocide, school shooting, explosion, or YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong in my whole town. It's almost as if the government shutdown didn't really matter, because they weren't doing anything in the first place. Nah, that's ridiculous...

Bye!

Anti-Pasta

Okay, firstly... yes, it's been two months, your eyes are not deceiving you. However, I have a valid excuse-- I've been setting up a new website. You see, recently my movie reviews have been taking over this blog, so I figured I'd make a movie review blog as a subsidiary of G-Force. The problem was, I didn't have enough reviews written to demand a whole new blog site. So I took two months off to write a buttload of movie reviews, ranging from new movies (as well as 32 from 2013) to classics. I beta-tested them on Rotten Tomatoes, and so far, I've gotten some very positive feedback. Once I get the website up and running, I shall use it for all of my movie reviewing needs. Until then, my reviews can be found HERE. I wrote them under a screen name, by the way, so don't be surprised when my account name is Diego John Tutweiller.

In the meantime, I've missed a lot of news stories, from the government shutdown to the chaos in Syria. But today, let's focus more on another news story: PASTA. You wouldn't think that bland, tasteless starch sticks would warrant an entire blog post, but hey, this is a pretty big story right now. In an interview, Guido Barilla, chairman of Barilla Pasta, said that he would never feature same-sex couples in his advertisements, because he believes in "traditional" couples. So here's the new standings for COMPANIES AND WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE!

Johnson & Johnson----- It depends... how long have Johnson and Johnson been living together...?

Chrysler----- Normally would be anti-gay, but was recently acquired by open-minded Italians. Bottom line: What does Silvio think?

Dairy Queen----- Not gonna touch this one.

Playboy----- Really? Did you have to ask?

Apple----- Oreo got smashed for their rainbow Oreo, but have you seen Apple's original logo? Come on.

Lego----- Hard to tell, seeing as their figurines are of indeterminate gender.

Pilsbury----- Again, unknown. But I'm thinking anti, seeing as the Doughboy is too out-of-shape to be gay.

Quaker----- WAAAY too religious. Definitely anti.

Disney----- It's Mickey and MINNIE, not Mickey and Vinnie.

Budweiser----- Their CEO's statement was too unintelligible to call either way.

 Barilla----- Apparently a no. They believe in spaghetti-conchigile marriage, nothing more, nothing less.

Nike----- "I believe that every human being has the right to freedom, liberty, and marriage. Except for our workers. Them we could take or leave". -Michael Jordan.

GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES!!! THE JORDAN HAS SPOKEN!!!

However, it's not this simple, because the other pasta companies (yes, there's more than one, it was a surprise to me too) have decided to respond with ad campaigns such as this one:


Did you catch it? Yeah, that's right-- this is an ad about gay farfalle. I found it kind of odd that the 'straight' couple in the picture was pointing at the gay couple (perhaps yelling a slur of some sort), but I guess that's just my weird mind at work.

So: Should we care about homosexual Italian dishes? I say NO! Because even though gay rights is a big and important issue, there are far more pressing matters in the world of civil rights than pasta ads. Let's focus on getting gay marriage LEGALIZED before we bother worrying about the vaguely bigoted comments of one Italian guy who just so happens to run a highly profitable pasta company. Nobody cared about where their pasta came from before this; they just bought whatever box was closest to their cart. They shouldn't care now either. Seriously, people-- political correctness can be taken too far. It's just pasta.

Bye!

The Wolverine

Sometimes, a summer movie will be great, sometimes it will be good, and sometimes it will be so bad it's entertaining. The Wolverine, unfortunately, fails on all three fronts. Bringing back Hugh Jackman as the iconic superhero, it puts him in Japan and tries to convince the audience of a half-assed re-imagining of Wolverine as a samurai. As cool as Wolverine VS Ninjas sounds, it's not very good onscreen, especially when there are no characters or good dialogue to hold it all up.

Throughout the proceedings, I could think of only one thing: WHY DOES THIS MOVIE EXIST? The answer, as it all too often is, is money. This contributes nothing to X-Men, Wolverine's story, or anything Marvel wanted to do. It is just killing time until the sequels to Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers. It's a waste of celluloid and, even worse, a waste of my time.

Anyone can throw together a movie about some guy with claws ripping the living shit out of people, but it requires some depth to the characters and some attention to the acting. The Wolverine did neither, as it barreled ever forward like a runaway train. Also, can superhero film writers not think of ANYTHING original for the plot? Yet again, we're treated to the hero losing his powers in some bullshit way, only to be regained at the end of the movie. Spider-Man 2 did it first, and far better.



I give this movie no points for plot, dialogue, characters, or any of the things that I actually value in a film. It has plenty of ludicrous action sequences, but it eventually overloads on them with a ridiculous machine that can strip Wolverine of his powers and some annoying viper-woman in green spandex. I'm sure it sounded awesome on paper, or in an elevator pitch, but that's basically all this movie is-- a dumb idea stretched to two hours.

Jackman is, as always, fully committed to his role, but he is given very little to work with other than "Be gruff, be tough, and kill people." And it's even more disappointing when you realize what a great superhero Wolverine is-- he's mysterious, conflicted, and deep. But unfortunately, none of those qualities seem to have made the transfer to the big screen.

Final Score for The Wolverine: 3/10 stars. Sure, for dumb summer fun, you could do worse, but why settle for such a mediocre film as this? It's boring, redundant, and a total waste of time. It's not as bad as Man of Steal Your Money, but it's not coming close to redeem this already horrible year for movies.

Bye!